There comes a time when bat signals, conch shells, fire alarms, and rape whistles just won't do. We're in trouble, and in light of this fact, I've decided to start a new segment on my blog. An ongoing list, because I really love lists, of things that need to stop, or I just generally find to be ridiculous or possibly harmful. We'll call this list “Cease and Desist”. It's pretty simple, in the courtroom of my blog, I'll hand down completely official Cease and Desist orders to these harmful practices, or ideas. Sort of a catch-all for everything I dislike. I'll start with a few today, and add more as we go.
To the people who put words on clothing: You've officially been ordered to Cease and Desist. A friend and I walked into a nearby Bill Gray's restaurant to enjoy some delicious hamburgers and some riveting conversation when we were encountered by an intriguing site. The young lady in front of us had on a particularly short pair of shorts with the word “Relentless” scrawled across the back. My friend turns to me, having confirmed that I too have spotted this odd adjective and says, “Not exactly the most flattering word to describe that part of the body.” Of course, he probably said something along those lines, and not those exact words, but I'm not a historian, and in my courtroom, paraphrasals are as good as quotes. We couldn't let the conversation rest there though, we had to pursue it, relentlessly you might even say. We prophesied that in the coming years we'd see these textile-titles on all parts of clothing that pertained to body parts. Each shirt would come with adjectives on the sleeves describing the wearer's arms, while the front boldly proclaimed something about the chest, and the back of the shirt suggested to it's readers some unique quality about the back, and so on. So, in order to save us from this heinous fate, I hereby decree that this practice must Cease and Desist.
To Black Holes: You've officially been ordered to Cease and Desist. You may or may not be out there. You may or may not be inescapable. You may or may not change the very principles of matter and physics and so on. But one thing you certainly are not is relevant to me. You make no sense to me, since as far as I'm concerned, you're just the creation of scientists who now claim that you break the rules of science that have called you into being. I demand, Black Holes, that you tell me just why people even talk about you? You are unmeasurable, incalculable, and unreachable. Yet, people, educated people, sit around and discuss you. There is just no way that you'll ever be relevant to me, and if somehow, you really do manage to break all the rules and swallow me up like Pac-man devours those little white dots, I'd be ripped apart by the forces within you before I ever knew what happened. At least, theoretically. So Black Holes, I hereby decree that you must Cease and Desist.
I've always loved the girls who wear the short that say things like "Juicy", as if any man would find your butt sexy when they squeezed it and juice came out....
ReplyDeleteExactly. They're probably the haughtiest of all extra-terrestrial bodies. But then again, maybe I just like using the word "Haughty" too much. Either way, someone's gotta bring them down a notch; just stand up and say, "You know what Black Holes? Not impressed. I said it."
ReplyDeleteHey man, I am here to DEFEND black holes. Wanna know why people discuss them? Because they're cool. A black hole of proper density could eat the sun. How is that not great discussion material? They may not be relevant, but they're a lot more badass than most so-called "relevant" topics, like poverty.
ReplyDeleteI found the very colloquial, informal tone combined with the more formal "Cease and Desist" language to create a nice tension of sorts. I must admit that I was leery about the Black Hole section, but then proceeded to let myself be taken by the humor. Also, you know what else I really like about your writing? You seem to have fun writing it.
ReplyDeleteEveryone said a lot about black holes but what about that girl with Relentless written on her ass? What about her rear end could she possibly want to insinuate was relentless? Maybe she had chronic diarrhea.
ReplyDeleteThat was actually my first thought. And as much as I don't shy away from conversations about Bowel Movements, I doubt anyone would like advertise to the world that they have diarrhea. Out of all the words on clothing, it was by far the strangest I had ever seen.
ReplyDeleteThe humor in this rant is priceless. I like how your writing produces different memories and images within my own mind long after reading. Like a tee shirt "I'm with stupid" and she was walking by herself. For Black Holes, I'm wondering if the Earth isn't a Black Hole of sorts with gravity and all. Maybe Black Holes are anti-gravity areas that blow instead of suck...just thinking.
ReplyDelete