Elevator Etiquette (Workshop Essay)

     Up and down, in and out. If you're over eight years old, and you're not claustrophobic, you've almost certainly ridden in an elevator before. It's a fairly simple process of just standing there while you rise or drop in elevation; so what could possibly go wrong? I mean, what kind of person could conceivably commit an act so offensive in a span of a mere 20 seconds that I leave the elevator wishing I could fire a death beam of hate from my chest so powerful it would transport him or her from the realm of the living to a land where small, cat-like children devour them from the inside out? (Take a breath.) Fists clenched, head shaking, I find myself exiting elevators wondering when the first case of a human being so self-absorbed that he or she actually turns inside out will be reported. I assume it will start at the belly button, and will probably result in something that looks like a pair of rolled up socks, only more bloody. It turns out, based on some recent conversations with friends, that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one noticing how bad things are getting, or how unaware people can be. In light of these conversations, and this growing problem, I've decided to put together my own Ten Commandment list for elevator riders. And for all you secular readers screaming for the separation of Church and Blog, I'll subtitle it The Bill of Elevator Rights. (Of course, this list will be revealed at the conclusion of this essay and listed from 10 to 1 for increased dramatic effect.)

     Back in 1852, Elisha Otis designed the first safety elevator. This design is similar to the one still in use today. Before this, elevators were mainly used to lift “things” not people. I doubt that Otis ever dreamed that his simple invention would be, quite possibly, the most frequented form of public transportation per day across the globe. (Conjecture.) Think of all the buildings with elevators, and all the people who go up and down to work everyday. I'm sure that the history of elevators is as long as it is boring, so we won't dwell on it here. Instead, let's move on to specifics, an airing of grievances if you will.

     One chief issue that conjures up thoughts of my death beam is passenger blocking. I don't mean blocking someone's entrance, I mean you're location on the elevator. Imagine each person sized space in an elevator as a square on a grid. When you enter the elevator, pick a square strategically in a way that allows for maximum space. Ideally you'd go about as far back or to the side as you can go without hitting a wall, or entering another human's personal space. This seems like simple logistics to me, but either I'm a genius, (doubtful) or people just don't consider it. I see people standing right in the middle of the elevator, which blocks off several standing spots, and forces the other riders to take awkward positions when they get aboard. But stubborn standers aren't the only offenders to be called out here, because just as bad are the reckless roamers, who have no conception of personal space. These riders are some of the worst, as they squeeze you into a corner of an otherwise unoccupied elevator, or they ram into you with their oversized backpack. The next book-bag I take to the chest, or duffel bag to bump into my knee, may be ripped apart by me like an overzealous youngster with an uncooperative bag of M&M's.

     The list of offenders goes on to include the noise polluters, the most oblivious of all elevator miscreants. There is little to no noise produced by this machine save for the occasional jazzy tune to accompany your trip, and for 20 seconds, we all share this air space, and should learn to not abuse it. Some people feel the need to fill this small room with their own auditory waste. There are a couple different categories of offenders here. First up we have Dial M for Moron. Your phone call, which may be thrilling to you, is giving me a migraine. So to all the elevator operators who chat away on their journey to eighth floor or the like, all I have to say is hang up, or force me to buy one of those cell phone service blocker things. Which, if I have to buy one of those, I'll have to look it up first, and I hate unnecessary research. But don't think I've forgotten about two of the most inconsiderate groups of elevator fiends, the Boombox Betty's and Jukebox Jimmy's. I would put them into one category, but I'm an equal opportunity curmudgeon, and I can't think of a pithy way to scrunch them together. When you've entered the elevator, shut your iPod off, or turn it down at least. Is this such a difficult concept to grasp? This is probably the most common offense I've noticed on elevators. If I had three wishes, one of them would be spent on acquiring the power to turn headphones into thin white snakes that consume human brains from ear to ear.

     And finally, so as to not spoil my entire list, I'll list just a few offenders from a different category, which happens to be Lord of The Elevator (or LOTE). LOTE's manifest themselves in any number of ways, and some previous examples could certainly fit into this categories, but let's hit a few more specifics. We'll call this first group of LOTE's perma-pressers. The perma-pressers always hit a button, always. They walk on to the elevator, see that their intended floor is already hit, but then they hit the button again, as if the elevator wouldn't budge without their touch. These are the same people who then hammer on the “Door Close” button, even though the door is already closing. Don't be surprised to see these folks out at dawn doing their daily duty of bringing out the sun. Completely alien to these people is the thought that the world could, and does, go on without their say so. A close relative of the perma-presser is the door stopper. This is the guy or gal who places any number of body parts in front of the elevator door for so long that door begins to beep, all so that his or her straggler friend may hitch a ride on this or that elevator. But what about the people who are already on board? Don't we have a say? Don't we have a destination?

     But as I wind down here, I've omitted several groups from being specifically called out for the sake of time, since there are so many offenses committed daily on elevators. So, let me condense my thoughts into a simple list, a concise guide for my fellow travelers. Anyone who finds themselves committing an act on this list, simply cease your obstinate ways, and try to be civil. So, here it is:

                  The Ten Commandments of Elevator Riding

                                                       (The Bill of Elevator Rights)

10. Thou shall not call an elevator and walk away.

9. Thou shall not use an elevator to move one floor. (Unless thou cannot use the stairs.)

8. Thou shall not press the button of an unintended floor.

7. Thou shall not press a button that has already been pushed.

6. Thou shall not make lewd drawings on elevator walls.

5. Thou shall not restrict access to any part of the elevator.

4. Thou shall not invade personal space on the elevator.

3. Thou shall not play thine MP3 player at excessive volume levels on the elevator.

2. Thou shall not carry on personal phone calls on the elevator.

1. Thou shall not pass wind in any elevator under any circumstance.

     This list is by no means definitive, or exclusive, and is really just a crude list I've thrown together to address the issue. If I've left something out, feel free to add your own contributions to the list of elevator offenses.